Looking at my journal

I was just thinking, once again, that this year's Journal has devolved into one sad story. This year and the last have been filled with pain and more pain along with an ample dose of frustration. I'm certainly tired of it and I'm sure that any reader would be as well. I think I will open up last year's journal and see what was happening on this day a year ago.

Okay, the 25^th was a Saturday in 2008 and apparently I was doing the very same thing I'm doing today, browsing my Journal.

It's close to 6 now and I'm feeling awake but not all that thrilled with the day. Of course it's the pain. And the fact that I may have made a mistake by reading through my journal for this year. I read where I first became aware that the pain was more than just a temporary setback to my marathon training. I called it Piriformis Syndrome because that was what I wanted it to be. It wasn't and that was back in March. And I read about the times that I had to wait to see a doctor. 3 months of simply waiting in 6 week segments. 6 weeks where nothing happened to improve my condition. An unknown condition? And more waiting, in 2 or 3 week segments this time.

Wow! March of 2008 was when I decided that I had Piriformis Syndrome and that was only after I had suffered from pain since when? Here's a clip from the first day of 2008.

Since it's the first day of the year, I suppose I should include a physical assessment. I know that last night, as I was putting on my pajamas, Laurae commented that I was certainly making a lot of noise with my groans of discomfort. Oops! It's true, stretching causes some pains in my joints, but I reassured her that although my body might be failing, my mind was still medium sharp.

And then in the middle of January…

I don't know why I'm feeling so sore today. I didn't do that much out of the ordinary, but I'm moving slow and painfully. Is this what old age is all about?

And just a few months before that, November 27^th of 2007…

I ended up with a 24.5 minute time for the second half. That's 12.25 minute/miles and it felt pretty good. 4.68 miles total

In November of 2007 I was good, very good. I guess I could say that January of 2008 was the 'official' start of my pain and the beginning of my slide downhill to my present condition. I was looking for the account of my early morning race where I felt that I had actually done something bad to my body. I thought it was in December of 2007 but who knows. I do remember the event because I had been training and feeling as if I couldn't go very fast at all and had been disappointed by my time and the persistent pain I felt in my hip. It was a gray morning and I was walking back to my car when I saw a racewalker go by, on his way into the park. He was moving fairly fast and since racewalkers were and are rare sightings, I decided to chase after him. My goal was to catch up with him by the one mile marker. He had a good 50 yard head start so I had to pour it on to catch up. And I did. Right at the mile marker I caught up to him and then stopped to walk back. A long and painful walk back. I was very proud of myself and quite sore. That pain never went away.

It seems as if I'm closing in on the two year anniversary of my 'Pain' and it's painful results. What a trip this has been. A trip I certainly didn't want to take and one that I wish I could end on a happy note. I'm still looking for a repeat of the 12.25 minute/mile and I'm not giving up.

More

I'm somewhat wordy this morning. I suppose that's good and I should be happy that my mind is still sharp enough to string a few words together. But what am I thinking? What am I going to do with the day? And that's going to be the question for the next three months. With surgery not even on the calendar yet, I'm facing a long wait with my days and nights filled with drugs to keep me pain free or as close to pain free as the chemicals will allow. But…narcotics don't stop nerve pain. They just muddle your head enough to make you less aware of the pain. This works. Sometimes. Believe me, an offended nerve will cut right through a narcotic haze to deliver its message! I will be taking two other drugs that are prescribed just for nerve pain. One doesn't do anything at all; it's the one I've been using for the past three months and the other one may or may not work but the significant side effect is that I will become lethargic and my mind will slip into low gear. Which won't bother me because I will be beyond worrying. Just cruising.

But wait, I didn't even mention why I'm waiting for surgery again. Since my post-op pain was not decreasing but instead was increasing, the surgeon wanted another MRI, one with contrast and one without. And since my laminectomy had removed the overlaying bone, this latest MRI revealed the fact that the nerve root on the right side of L-5 was caught in the foramen, the hole in the bone, and scarring and bone growth was holding it firmly. In the previous surgery, he had probed that nerve channel for 5 cm and found it free, that was standard, but his probe couldn't reach behind the pedicle where the nerve was caught. So, a Foraminotomy is going to be scheduled sometime in the first part of the new year. It's a major surgery with a few days of hospital stay but I don't anticipate having to donate my own blood for it as I did last time. And why are we waiting so long? Because the bone grafts from the previous surgery have to be strong enough to support me after he cuts away some of bone that is causing so much pain for me.

No Marathon This Year

Tomorrow morning is the start of the Portland Marathon, my favorite, and I can use my imagination and see the crowds in the early morning darkness. I can feel the jostling as the participants move about in the street, trying to keep warm and stay focused on the event ahead. But I won't be there and I'm only tormenting myself with these thoughts…I suppose I should recap all that has brought me to this point in time; now. I'm two and a half months post op and I still live with pain 24/7. Yes, it's better than it was immediately after surgery but now it has become static, nothing is happening to change the situation. I do my walking, my exercise and I take my pills and still the pain is there. Disabling me mentally as well as physically. My mind is no longer my own since pain and its attendant medications have taken up residence there. I take an average of five Norco a day for pain and it has been that way for close to two months now. I even take Dilaudid on those occasions when Norco won't do the job; it's rare, but it happens. Those really scramble your thoughts.

I've been to see my surgeon and as soon as he walked into the exam room he saw that there was something wrong; 'What's going on?' he asked and then I proceeded to tell him. He was quite serious as he did a quick neurological exam and then told me that he had expected to see me in much better shape that I was in. He said the nerve that passes through the foramen on the right side of L-5, the last lumbar vertebra was the culprit and he was at a loss as to why. He ordered a 'with and without' MRI for me as soon as possible. (That's one with contrast media injected and one without) Then he will meet with us as soon as possible after that. He was nice enough to go over his surgical notes with me and showed me where he had explored the channel for the L-5 nerve for a distance of 'x' centimeters and had concluded that it was free of anything that might injure the nerve. He said that it might very well be that the previous nerve injury, the crushing of the nerve that had brought me to him to begin with, had injured the nerve beyond repair. Nerves normally repair themselves without a problem. You can cut a nerve and the two halves will eventually find their way past the scar that obstructs them and rejoin. Anyway, it's all conjecture at this point and he needs the MRI before he can come up with some sort of plan.

I asked him about the drugs and the amount I was taking and he said that they were not a problem. Pain control was first and he said that we would confront the addiction problem afterwards. In the meantime, I was to take them whenever needed. And as he said, they really do very little for nerve pain. The pain remains when you take them but your mind is muddled enough so that the pain doesn't seem quite as important as it was.

Once again I'm without a plan. This is where I was a year or so ago. Waiting for relief. And another marathon.