Why Me?

Do I sound depressed? I try not to, but I wonder if the Wellbutrin is working as it should or as I hoped it would. I put on a good face, a smiling face whenever I can. But the grim reality of my situation doesn't go away with a grin. This morning I was thinking that perhaps, I should just go to Bidwell Park and start training again; go for a fast 3 miler. Ignore the pain and perhaps it will simply go away. I'm tempted. But I doubt that my legs would sustain me for that distance. Yesterday I noted that I had lost a lot of muscle mass in my legs. They are becoming skinny legs. Chicken legs. It's now been a year since I trained. Training for my 6^th marathon; the Portland Marathon to be exact and the 4^th one in that lovely city. That's not happening. And now my marathon blog has become a pain and frustration blog. I suppose it's a good enough spot to vent my frustrations; as good as any.

Speaking of frustration; I have two+ weeks left before I see the surgeon for a second opinion. And then…how long before the actual surgery, if he agrees that surgery is the cure? And that is not certain. As I was telling a friend the other day, I just want to know my true situation. Can the Spinal Stenosis be 'cured' enough for me to resume my life as it was? I would even agree to give up racewalking if I could just walk and work normally again. Or, if this is the way it's going to be, for the rest of my life, tell me. Then I can get on with my life. I can adapt and learn to live with it, Right now, I'm in limbo and I don't like it.