Back to Reality

Here I am. Back again. Although I was actually fearful of going to sleep last night, because I didn't want to wake up with the same pain as yesterdays, I did sleep, and this morning's pain is down to a 3 on the pain scale. That deserves a Vicodin, but only one for now.

It's slightly cooler this morning; a good thing. I've opened the windows to remove the heat in the study. It was 78 in here about ten minutes ago and now it is 68 and falling. It's amazing how much heat the electronics in this room put out. It's always about 5 degrees warmer than the rest of the house in here.

OK, time for the second cup of tea and a slow walk down the hall. Slow is my world now. A little earlier, I had my first cup of tea in my hand and Boo the Cat demanded some attention, much as she is doing right now, so I put the tea down and then knelt to play with her. It took forever for me to get down on my hands and knees and then to get back up. And I felt very fragile while I was doing it; as if I could easily slip and hurt myself. Frail. Old man.

Ack! What's going on here? My perception of myself is changing and I'm not sure that I like it. 'Perception is reality' has been my mantra for years; taught to me by a lawyer whose job was to change people's perceptions. Create a new reality for them. (That is what lawyers do…) But…my old reality was just fine; In it, I was an elder who was fit and athletic. I looked younger. I thought like a younger person. I was optimistic and, sadly, I was also vain. But now? Who am I?

Well, this new reality is still shaking itself out and it may take awhile before the new me appears. I intend to remain optimistic, though some things cannot change by my altering of reality. My physical decline cannot be wished away. I do look older and I'm no longer fit. That is real. But that does not give me permission to lay down and let infirmity happen. And what does that mean, looking 'older'? I look like me, that's all. Did I really expect to be 40 or 50 years old forever? Of course not. But, in my heart of hearts, I wanted to be…

This aging process seems of no importance when you are in your 20's and all of the way up to your early 60's. Though it was very important to me when I was a child and wanted desperately to be older. And now I am. Much older. And once again, aging is important. If I let it be.

OK, I have been skipping all around the subject of aging for the past few paragraphs; what am I trying to say? One, my new reality is that I have some severe medical problems that will require major surgery to correct. Age did not cause the problems and I might have required the same surgery when I was 20…but here I am and I'm 68. That part of reality I cannot change. Two, aging does happen to us all. If we're lucky, we will all become gray and wrinkled. Eventually, if our luck holds out, we may even become feeble! Yahoo! And three, it's all good.

Now that I have preached, I must go out and practice. Until it's time for my next reality change…